


Winter Soldier Dilemma

by WinterWitch_WinterFrost_Lover



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Depressing, Depression, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-10
Updated: 2015-01-10
Packaged: 2018-03-06 22:16:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3150254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterWitch_WinterFrost_Lover/pseuds/WinterWitch_WinterFrost_Lover





	Winter Soldier Dilemma

This isn't where he wanted to be. Then again, who would want to be stuck in a place like this.  
This dark, musky room. He's been here many times over. After getting needles stuck into him. Giving him things to test out.  
He's sitting in the room, going crazy. His cold arm, hard as metal, pulled at his shoulder length brown hair.  
Things flashed in his head, things he couldn't explain, or even understand. It all happened so quickly. His breathing pattern quickened, not able to calm down.  
Anger rushed though him.  
With the bit of light that peeked though the cracks in the door he could tell he couldn't see straight.  
He tried to calm down, tried to take deep breaths. Nothing helped him. He tried to stand up, but he fell right back down.  
Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain, all over his body and scooted back to the corner of the room.  
His right hand went to his heart, clenching onto his flesh. He shut his eyes tightly, hoping to open them and be somewhere else.  
He yelled something. Something in a different tongue. Russian possibly.  
Something was shaking him, but he was the only one in the room. He heard someone shouting something at him, but he couldn't understand them, it was a different tongue, but something that sounded so familiar.  
His right hand on on his cold hard shoulder, and his hard left hand was on his right shoulder, hugging himself, and shutting his eyes tightly hoping to wake up somewhere else. Panting. He could feel himself breaking out into a sweat, mumbling things to himself.  
In fact, next time he opened his eyes he was somewhere else. It was still dark, but moon light shown though a window, and there was a silhouette of a woman, her blue eyes glowing.  
He sat up immediately after waking up. The woman was worried, possibly crying. He awoke in a cold sweat, having problems breathing. The woman hugged him tightly, not wanting to let him go.  
From what she was crying about, he was mumbling in Russian in his sleep, tossing and turning, and then he started to yell, she couldn't tell what, since she didn't know Russian at all.  
His vision cleared and realized what was going on and wrapped his arm around the woman, his wife, Wanda. He could now clearly understand her, before it was as if he didn't know English at all.  
She was shaking him, trying to wake him and yelling out his name, she was so glad it worked. "Bucky, please go see someone about this," she cried. This has been happening quite frequently in the past month. He went to a therapist for a while when he was first regaining his memory and how to be normal, and to know emotions, but now, he refused to go see any kind of professional, he didn't care what it was for.  
He couldn't form any words. He just didn't know what to say. He wasn't going to tell her no, not when she was crying into his neck. He just rubbed her back and slowly laid back down with her in his arms.  
"I'll think about it, Wanda," the only reason why he'd even consider it was because he didn't want to harm her in his sleep, and now he's three months pregnant with twins. He'd never forgive himself if he hurt her. Besides, he knows he has PTSD, he didn't need to pay someone to tell him that.  
He wasn't only having these flashbacks and night terrors, he was gaining depression, as well as some suicidal thoughts, he couldn't be like this as a parent, especially since he refused to tell Wanda, not wanting her to worry even more than that she already was.  
But Wanda just thought it was a few bad dreams, most of them she didn't know about. She only knew about him freaking out three times, then its actually been about thirteen, probably more however.   
He thought Wanda would want him gone if she found out what he's really like, freaking out in the middle of the night, thinking about killing himself, even just harming himself.  
He laid back down slowly with her in his arms, rubbing his metal hand up and down her back.  
He felt that by touching anyone or anything with his metal arm met that he trusts himself not to hurt them, and that he truly cares about them. he "shh'ed" her to sleep as she slowly stopped crying.  
He didn't want to go back to sleep. He was scared. Scared of having night terrors. Scared of it being reality. Scared that it was reality.

Next morning Wanda woke up and Bucky wasn't beside her, which wasn't too strange. She got up and stretched. She had on one of Bucky's shirts, and that was about it. She walked out of the room and down the hall to the stairs and then to the kitchen. Bucky was sitting at the table drinking a cup of coffee. "Morning, honey," Wanda said with a smile.  
"Morning, sweetie" he said, practically forcing a smile, hoping she wouldn't notice. He took a sip of his coffee while Wanda got cereal from the cupboard and started to pour it into a bowl. She then sat down beside him at the table.  
"Steve called me earlier, and was wondering if I could go camping with a few of the guys for a week or so. I said that I'd have to check with you first."  
She thought for a moment, thinking about last night, wondering if going out and spending time with the guys would help him. She believed he had a lot of stress from a lot of things that were happening. "Yeah, I don't mind. She didn't anything planned at all, no doctor appointments or anything.  
"Thanks, cutie" he gave her a real, half smile that time. What he was really doing, was going to Steve's for a week.

Bucky left the next morning, he had his 'camping' things packed. He told Wanda that Steve was picking him up. Steve didn't trust Bucky with driving right now. Steve came just before noon. Bucky kissed Wanda goodbye and told her that he'd be back in a week, least he hoped to be.  
He got into the passenger side of the car after putting his stuff in the back. After closing the door Steve starts to drive off. "When was the last time you ate?" Steve started off the conversation.  
Bucky sat back in the seat and closed his eyes, trying to relax. "Steve I don't know. Two, three, maybe four days ago," he said it like it was nothing, like it was normal for him to go days without eating.  
Steve wouldn't have put it past HYDRA to do that either while he was still with them. He let out a sigh. "We're going to get you something to eat."  
"Steve I'm fine. I'll eat later at your place, heck I'll even cook it. I- I just want to rest right now Steve."  
He let out another sigh. He'd make Bucky eat if he had to. "So what's the story that you told Wanda?"  
"Camping trip. Told her you called me asking if I wanted to go camping with you and the guys. Said I'd be back in about a week, maybe a day or two longer or shorter depending on what happens."  
"I hope you know that there isn't much I can do to help you in a week."  
"That's fine, Steve" Bucky yawned. "I just don't want Wanda to see me like this."  
"Buck, its PTSD you aren't going to get over it, it any thing you'd just get use to it, but it doesn't just stop, and since you don't even remember half of it its just going to hurt you more."  
"Then how did you get over it, Steve? Surely you had it. Two years in the army during the war," he opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Steve while he was driving.  
"You mean 'have it'. That's the difference between you and me, Buck, I'll actually go get help, you ball it up inside until you're ready to break, just like last time."  
"Please don't remind me," he closed his eyes again and moved his head to face the window. "That was the worst month of my life."  
"You should be lucky it was only a month you were in that place. Wanda doesn't know about that does she?"  
"No she doesn't, and please, whatever you do, don't tell her. I don't want her to think I'm insane or anything."  
They finally got to Steve's apartment and they both got out of the car once he parked. Bucky went to grab his bag but Steve grabbed it instead. "I can carry my own stuff you know," he followed him inside.  
"I know you can, but right now it looked like you're going to fall over any second and pass out," normally Steve would have laughed at that, but he knew what Bucky was going though, and it was nothing to laugh about.  
Once they got inside Bucky took his boots off by the door and sat down on the couch while Steve took the bag into an extra room that he has. He prepared it last night for Bucky. He came back out to see Bucky laying on the couch, practically curled in a ball asleep. Steve smiled. He wanted to carry Bucky into the bedroom, but wasn't sure if he'd wake up, and then he'd never be able to fall back asleep. He took the chance, but Bucky opened his eyes before Steve made it over. He started to sit up so Steve could sit.  
Steve sat right next to him, and Bucky rested his head on Steve's shoulder. Steve put an arm around him and rubbed his hand up and down his right arm. "Steve?" Bucky started out saying. "Am . . . am I a monster?" he moved his head to look at his best friend.  
" What? Of course not, Buck. Why would you-?" Steve couldn't even finish is own sentence, not sure how, but he knew Bucky knew what he meant.  
Bucky looked down at his left arm, leaning against Steve's warm body. "I'm still alive because I was suppose to be used as a weapon. That whole time you were on ice I was killing, being forced to believe I was going a good thing."  
"Exactly, James," Steve talked before Bucky could keep going. Being called James was odd for him, especially by Steve, and it make him look up at him. "You were forced to believe all that. You didn't actually do any of that."  
"Try explaining it to S.H.I.E.L.D. and we'll be all set," he sounded annoyed.  
"Buck, why don't you go sleep while I work on something for us to eat for when you wake up," he got up and helped Bucky up off the couch. He looked like he was going to fall over at any point.  
"If I wake up," he said rolling his eyes. He started to walk but Steve grabbed his arm and pulled him back to face him.  
"You have a family now, Barnes! You can't go off doing the crap you use to do when you felt like you had no worry in the world! You've been with Wanda for nearly a year and now you have twins coming! I swear Barnes, if you even think of doing something like that, I'm calling Wanda and telling her the truth about what's going on with you, and you know I will," Bucky opened his mouth to say something but Steve started to talk again. "And I will go though your bag to see what you have in there. You aren't here to hurt yourself even more than what you already are," he let his arm go. "Now go to bed, you're a wreck."  
He didn't feel he need to say anything back, he didn't know what to say back. He just nodded, not sure of what to say to him and he went towards the room Steve made up for him. He didn't even close the door, he just fell onto the soft bed, not even caring about being under the blankets, and fell asleep to the sounds of Steve doing things in the kitchen.  
Bucky started out having a good sleep, until about an hour or so in he started tossing and turning. Steve had his record player on, unable to hear Bucky groaning in his sleep.  
It was only once Steve happened to pass the door he heard something. Steve opened the door cautiously not wanting to wake him up if he still was asleep. He opened the door to see leaning back, his hands propping him up, and breathing heavily. Steve came into the room and sat next to him, slowly putting a hand on his shoulder. "Bucky? Are you okay?"  
It was like he was in a trance, just looking down, trying to calm himself. You were able to hear the metal plates in his arm move to loosen up. After a few moments Bucky hunched over, coming a hand though his hair. "Yeah . . . yeah I'm fine, Steve."  
Steve put an arm around Bucky. "What happened?"  
"What?" Bucky looked at Steve confused.   
"Clearly you remembered something. Just tell me, its not like I'm going to tell anyone."  
"Steve, no, I'm not going to tell you- Steve stop hugging me," he sounded annoyed as Steve embraced him.  
''Not until you tell me what happened," he just hugged him tighter.  
"Steve I woke myself up in the middle of it, I don't even remember what happened."  
Steve let out a sigh and let go of him. "Fine," he only let it go because he didn't seem too shaken up about it. He get off the bed. "I made salmon for the both of us."  
"No thanks, I'm not hungry," Bucky mumbles. Steve rolls his eyes and grabs Bucky's right hand and practically drags him to the kitchen. "Steve, I said I'm not hungry."  
"You haven't eaten in days, Buck. As long as you're staying with me, you're eating. Besides, once you eat you'll realize how hungry you are," Bucky let out an annoyed sigh and sat down at the table that was there.  
Steve set two plates on the table. with a fork. "Want something to drink?" Bucky shook his head as he picked up the fork and started to poke at the fish. Steve rolled his eyes and got the two of them a glass of water and sat down to eat.  
"Punk."  
"Jerk."  
The two of them looked at each other with a smile.  
"Salmon good?" Steve asked him.  
"Steve," he started to laugh. "All you did was pull it out of a bag and put it in the oven. You couldn't possibly mess that up."  
"Just like how someone can't mess up cooking mac and cheese?" Steve gave him a look and laughed.  
"I forgot the water and I burnt it, so what. That was one time. I still cook better than you," Bucky mumbled taking another bite of the fish.  
Steve laughed. "You almost caught my kitchen on fire."  
"Try having your memory wiped for seventy years and then try coming back and using a stove," Bucky picked up a small piece of the salmon and threw it at Steve. Steve made a noise, not knowing what it was. He picked the piece off his lap and ate it. Bucky stuck his tongue out at him and laughed when Steve did it back to him.  
"We really need to spend more time together, Buck. I miss hanging out with you," Steve says, already finished half of his meal.  
"Lot of things have happened lately," Bucky sighed.  
"I know, and that's why I'm here to help you. You always took care of me when I was sick, which was practically everyday. Time for me to help you," he paused for a moment. "Any particular reason why Wanda doesn't know? You said that she only knows about three of the times you've freaking out from a dream, when its been going on for how long?"  
"Only a couple of months," he mumbles. "I don't want her to worry about me, Steve. You know how she can be. He only knows about three nights and she thinks I should see someone about it. I never even told her what the dreams were."  
"Buck that's only going to make her worry more about you. Do you want me to tell her for you?"  
"No!" he said quickly, and a bit louder than he wanted to. It made Steve worry. "I mean no,"he said a bit softer. "I'll tell her, just not now."  
"Just as long as you tell her, Bucky," he finished his fish, and Bucky did too. Steve got up to put the plates in the sink, he'd clean them later. Bucky took the glass of water with his right hand and took a sip. Steve noticed that Bucky always does things with his right arm, trying to barely use his left.  
"Maybe we could start by getting you comfortable with using that metal arm of yours," Steve says to him, leaning against the counter.  
Bucky looked at his hand after setting the glass back on the table. "Its not that I'm not comfortable using it, its just, I'm afraid that I'd break something, since I can't feel anything. I've broken enough glasses. I just have to pay close attention to what I'm doing with it. I don't have too much of a problem touching people, cause if I accidentally grab them to rough, I normally get told that I am." he stand up and takes the empty glass over to the sink.  
"Try getting some sleep. You didn't even get two hours of sleep," Bucky just looked like a wreck with the lack of sleep. "and if you wake up at all from anything, just wake me up and tell me, okay? I don't care what time it is."  
Bucky nods and started to head back to the room. He took his pants off and put on a pair of sweat pants, he didn't care about wearing the same shirt he had on today for bed. He flopped down on the bed and got under the blanket that was a bit of a mess from him rolling around earlier.  
Steve cleaned up in the kitchen. It was a bit early for him to go to bed, so he decided to watch tv for a bit before heading back to his room.

Next day comes around. When Steve sees Bucky he looks fine, like he actually got sleep and that nothing happened to him last night. He's sitting on the couch, legs crossed with a mug of coffee between his hands on his lap. The only thing that's odd is that he's just starting at the floor, or is it his lap, either way, its not like he had tv on or was reading a book.  
"Bucky?"  
Bucky snapped out of his trance, after Steve said his name three times already. He looked up at the blond man, giving his attention and then taking a sip of his coffee. It had a little bit of milk in it so it wasn't black.  
"You okay, Buck?"  
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."  
"How did you sleep?"  
"Fine . Nearly slept through the whole night."  
"We're you waking up last night? Did you have a dream or something that was keeping you awake?"  
"I'm fine, Steve. Nothing happened last night," he hissed out.   
Steve knew Bucky want a morning person, and that you shouldn't necessarily bother him after waking up, but it was something else that seemed off.  
Steve went into the kitchen and made toast and then came back out and sat on the couch next to him . "So, Bucky, mind telling me the dream you had the other night that made you call me?"  
Bucky stayed silent. Steve couldn't tell if he was ignoring him on purpose or if he was in a trance again. "Bucky?" He put hand on his shoulder and James flinched and looked over at Steve confused. "Bucky, the dream from the other night?"  
"Steve, do I have to tell it to you?" he whined and looked back down.  
"Well after that dream you called me, so I think I should know."  
Bucky let out a sigh and took another sip of his coffee. "I was in some cell, in some HYDRA base, I'm assuming. I felt like I was going crazy. The dream wasn't intense. It just felt so real. They put me in there after doing some sort of test on me, and they locked me up to see how I would react to it, and well, I nearly punch my hand through a guys chest they got me so fired up. That one caused more anger than anything honestly."  
Steve didn't say anything. He honestly didn't know what to say, and he knew it wouldn't. He mainly wanted Bucky to be comfortable sharing the dreams, and how he feels; mainly in general.  
Steve just dove in for a hug from Bucky, wrapping his arms around his torso, holding his arms down from hugging him tightly.  
"Steve? Are.. are you okay?" he was trying to not make any of this emotional, but Steve was always emotional when it came to Bucky. "Steve?"  
"I'm fine Bucky, its just, the things you've gone through. I just with I could have saved you, years ago. When you know," Steve's voice got softer.   
Bucky smiled at him. Besides Wanda, it as nice to have someone to care about him. "Yes I know, but I'm fine now. I'm remembering things and how everything use to be."  
Steve let go of Bucky, realizing that it much have been a bit weird, though he didn't care at all. "Bucky, when you aren't feeling okay, you'll tell me right? That's why I asked you to come over."  
Bucky paused for a moment, he knew he wasn't going to, that just wasn't him, but he couldn't tell Steve that he wasn't, so he looked at Steve with a small smile. "Of course I will," he lied. He couldn't do anything but lie. Steve smiled back at him, believing him, he didn't have a reason not to.

A few hours passed in the day, it was night time, nearly the next day actually. Steve looked at the clock, it was the next day. The best friends have been watching old horror movies. Bucky had suddenly got really quiet. Steve just thought he was really into the movie until he looked over and saw him looking down away from the tv. He was in one of those trances again.  
"Bucky?" nothing. "Bucky?" he didn't even move his eyes. Steve reached out to touch Bucky on the metal shoulder that was toward him. He wouldn't have felt Steve's hand set on him but he saw him reaching for him, and then finally heard his name and looked up and over at him, the only light coming from the tv from the black and white movie. "Bucky, are you okay?"  
He only nodded his head. He had a feeling that hi voice would crack if he actually said something. He quickly looked away from Steve, not wanting him to study the look on his face and try to decipher anything.  
"If nothing is wrong then look at me and tell me that you are," he sounded like some parent telling their kid to look at them when they thinking that they're lying, and Steve had a feeling that Bucky was.  
"I'm fine, Steve," he muttered, still not looking at him. Steve really didn't want to push it. He trusted Bucky, and that he'd tell him when he needed to, plus he didn't think that Bucky would do anything to harm himself, and if he did then this wasn't at all the guy he befriended back when he was twelve.  
Bucky looked up at the tv to watch the movie, hoping that Steve would let it go. He was fiddling with his own fingers in his lap as he was trying to think of something to tell him. He looked back down, at his hands. "I guess I'm just thinking about Wanda, I guess. Her being nearly four months pregnant, and I'm going though all of this, and I'm not going to be over there for a week to help her."  
Steve wasn't sure if he should feel bad about having Bucky over here and not taking care of Wanda if she needs it, or if he should feel happy and warmth that Bucky actually cares about someone that much. He use to be such a drugstore cowboy back before the war.  
"Don't worry, Bucky. I'm sure Wanda will be okay, and its not like we're far from the house, if she really does need help you could go over and help her," he smiled at him.  
Bucky looked up and smiled at Steve. He was worried about Wanda, but that's not what was bothering him, but he wasn't actually going to tell Steve what was, it would get really emotional, really quickly, he just hoped he wouldn't snap in front of him or anything, cause then he'll have to tell Steve what's really going on.  
"I should probably head back to bed," Bucky said softly, he really did want to try to get some sleep, he needed it. He stood up from the couch.  
"I probably should too," Steve muttered. He turned the tv off and stood up. It was pitch black besides a faint light from the digital clock under the tv. Steve tried walking but knocked into Bucky, knocking him over, and he fell on him.  
Bucky let out a sigh, as Steve groaned in pain. "Well this doesn't seem sexual at all."

In the morning Steve was up before Bucky. He walked around and noticed that his door was still closed. It was late in the morning, he should be up by now. Steve got a bit worried so he went over and knocked on the door. "Bucky? Are you awake?" he didn't hear anything, so slowly he opened the door, but for some reason it wouldn't open.  
Bucky has been with Steve for four days now. He didn't talk much yesterday, no matter what Steve said. Bucky kept saying he was fine, he just didn't sleep to well, and when Steve would ask why Bucky would snap at him.  
"Bucky?"  
The door knob twisted but something was against it to keep it from moving. He started to get worried.  
Bucky wouldn't kill himself, would he?  
He sure hoped not. He tried pushing against the door. "Bucky!"  
"Leave me alone, Steve!"  
Steve calmed down, knowing that he was still in there. "Bucky open the door!" nothing. "I will knock this door down if you don't open it, James!"  
That's how Bucky knew Steve was serious. He called him 'James'.  
Steve could hear Bucky moving around in the room, then the door opened. Bucky looked like a wreck, but Steve didn't have enough time to see what he looked like before he dove in for a hug.  
"Steve, I'm okay," he put his right arm around Steve, as a returning half-hug.   
"What the hell did you against against the door?"  
"Me," he said softly. He was leaning back against the door to keep it shut. "C-can I please be alone?" he stammered, nearing forcing the words out.  
"Bucky, don't do this to yourself. Please tell me whats wrong."  
"Steve I don't want to talk about it," even though he already let go Steve was still on him holding him close. Steve nearly drags Bucky out of the room. "Steve! I just want to be alone!" he tries getting out of Steve's grip.  
"So you can just sit in there and sulk? Be alone in your thoughts to make all of this worse? Bucky, I asked you to come over so that I could help you cope with this! Now sit down on the couch and just start ranting at me!" Steve let go of him.  
Bucky didn't have anything to say. Steve has been yelling at him more the past four days than ever before. "Steve," he said softly, searching for words.  
Steve put a hand over his mouth to stop him real quick. "Sit" he tried to be calm but it was as if he was demanding that he sat down. Bucky sat on the couch and Steve sat next to him. "What's bothering you, Bucky?"  
"I . . . I have a lot in my mind. I keep getting flashbacks from the war and from being with HYDRA, and I can't even put any of it in order, I don't know what happened when, and . . . and it bothers me to not know when what happened, and when I can't remember everything. I feel like crap."  
"Bucky, I'm sure that you'll remember things sooner or later."  
"But I keep remembering all the bad things happening to me. Didn't I do anything good, Steve?"  
"Of course you did! For years you took care of me, you stayed with me no matter how sick I was, especially during the depression. Everyday I thought you wouldn't come back because you moved on."  
"Really? I would have never left you," he ended up hugging Steve, which made the blond surprised. Steve put an arm around him and started to rub his hand up and down his back.  
"You did plenty of good things, Buck, you shouldn't feel bad about yourself. You may be remembering the bad things you did right now, but I'm sure later you'll remember all the good things to make you feel better," he pulled Bucky closer to him.  
"You think so?" he looked up at Steve. and he nodded.  
"Is there anything else you have to say?" he asked calmly.  
He thought for a moment, he knew Steve would want to know what was on his mind, but he didn't know what to say to him. "I don't think I do," he said softly. Slowly sitting back up, letting go of Steve. "Can I just go back to sleep?"  
Steve patted his back. "Go ahead. But if anything happens please talk to me," Bucky nods and he gets up and goes back into the room he's staying in.  
Half of Steve wanted to go though his stuff to see if he had anything that he could use to hurt himself with, but he trusted Bucky, he's getting married and is going to be a father, he wouldn't, would he, god he hoped not.

Bucky fell asleep, and was asleep for quite some time before he began tossing and turning. Sweating. Mumbling. The blanket was half off of him, one leg out, and his right arm out of the blanket, away from his head as he's on his back. His hair was a knotted mess. Steve was cleaning up as he thought Bucky was sleeping. He didn't have anything to so, but he didn't want to leave while Bucky was asleep.  
Bucky started mumbling a bit louder, as if he was talking to someone in the room. It was inaudible of what he was saying though. Steve was just about to go to sleep until Bucky screamed, which is when he ran to the room. "Bucky!" get got to the door and had a problem opening it. He wasn't sure if it was from him being scared of what was going on, or if the door was locked.  
He pushed the door in and rushed over to the bed. He was still asleep, but he was tossing and turning in bed like crazy. "Bucky! Wake up!" he started to shake him.  
It took a few seconds before he woke up. Which then he shot up, not being able to breath. Sweaty. Chest rising up and down quickly. He said something that Steve couldn't understand, seemed to in a different language.  
"Bucky," Steve voice cracked.  
He turned his head to he right to see Steve, the blonds hands on his arm. He still couldn't breath correctly, but he snapped out of the small trance he was in. "S-Steve?" Steve hugged him tightly, pulling him closer. "Wha-what time is it?" he barely remembered where he was.  
"Its almost eleven at night. You were asleep for a few hours. What happened, Bucky?"  
He didn't say anything. He pulled away from the hug and looked down, away from Steve. "What's the date, Steve?"  
That got him worried. "June twenty-seventh 2014. Is everything okay, Bucky?" Please say yes.  
His mouth opened but nothing came out, until his mouth started to move to form words. "I-I think so," he clenched his fists, his pulse racing again.  
"What happened, Bucky," he made him look at him by putting his hands on both his shoulders and turning him. The former assassin refused to look at him however. "Bucky! Look at me!" he finally looked up at Steve. He looked scared. "Bucky. What's wrong? What happened?"  
He just shook his head. "N-n-no. I-I can't."  
"Bucky, you promised me that you'd tell me when something happened! Clearly something happened! You started screaming! Now tell me what happened!" Steve wanted to start crying, seeing Bucky like this hurt him.  
Bucky started to finally calm down enough to breathe, and to talk without stuttering too much. "I-I was in Zola's lab, years after the war," he was hunched over, not looking at Steve. "Zola was there, and . . . and a few others," he took a pause. "I was on a metal table, light above me, blinding me, but I could hear them all so clearly. I was getting tested on. They kept ejecting me with things. Eventually I punched someone, I got out of control. They tied me to the table, they did something else to me, I'm not quite sure what, but then they'd lock me up in a room for days. It would either be twenty-four hours of darkness, or twenty-four hours of light. Whatever they gave me, they wanted to know how it would effect me."  
He grabbed his left arm with his right hand. "They'd torture me, try to stretch my limits, form me into a better fighter. I have scars," he started to choke up remembering about this. "all over my body from the things they did to me. I was in Zola's lab for days before you came in and saved me. I-I just kept repeating my name to remember who I was, so I didn't forget, so I didn't go insane. He made me into a monster, Steve," you could easily tell that his voice was going to crack soon. "I'm just a weapon, a good for nothing weapon-," head dropped, eyes shut, lip bit.  
"You are not a monster, Bucky," he tried being calm but he also wanted to force it into his head. "You are a wonderful man, a great friend and have done many great things," the blond was on the verge of tears.  
"The only "great" things I've done is assassinate politics," he was always told what he was doing was the best for the nation. "I killed Stark, framed it as a car accident! Huey Long, framed as an accident from one of his bodyguards! JFK, Leo Ryan! Steve, they were all set up to be blamed one someone, or something else, but I killed all of them, and two dozen more! I have done more horrible things than good things, you can say that all you want, but everything horrible I have done is on file, and joining the war was the whole start of it!"  
"You better listen to me, James," he had his hands firmly on Bucky's shoulders after making him took him in the eyes. Bucky was filled with anger, why couldn't Steve just understand that he should have just died falling off that train, that he should be locked up. "What happened back then, back while you were with HYDRA, is the past, and you should be happy that S.H.I.E.L.D. decided to not punish you for all of those crimes. All of those crimes doesn't change who you were before and I know that person is still there. You are not a weapon, you are not a monster. You are a soldier, not the Winter Soldier, an American soldier, my partner, and my best friend. I swear if I ever hear you call yourself any of those things again, I will hug you and never let you go."  
A tear went down Bucky's cheek, after the first few he felt he stopped caring, he's known Steve all his life, why should it matter if he see's him cry.  
Steve let out a sigh. "I'm going to have to call Wanda," he said softly.  
"What? No! Please Steve, don't call her!"  
"Bucky I have to! This has been going on for months and it seems like its only getting worse. Why are you so scared of her finding out about this?"  
Bucky froze up, he didn't want to say why. "Please don't tell her, Steve, its the only thing. I beg you not to!"  
"Answer my question and I'll see if its a good enough reason or not."  
"I . . . I . . . I don't want don't want her to think of me differently. and for her to want to leave me because of what's going on. She's nearly four months pregnant, she doesn't need to worry about whats going on with me."  
Steve got up and held a hand out for Bucky to grab, which he did and then pulled Bucky out of the bed and started to led him to his room. "Bucky, what if she found out because you started to get this even worse, and she'd wake up from it, at lease twice a week. She found out and she didn't feel like she could trust you because of you not telling her what was going on with you."  
He hadn't thought about it like that before. "Come on and sleep in my room for the night, better than sleeping alone. I'll call Wanda in the morning, wither you want me to or not, Buck."  
He was silent for a moment, then opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. "What is it?"  
"I . . . I'm just worried that once Wanda finds out that she won't want to be around me, thinking I'm unstable," he said softly, leaning against Steve as they went into his room. Steve would have stayed in there with Bucky, but that bed was too small for both of them.  
"Trust me, she won't leave you, she loves you."

Bucky tried talking Steve out of calling Wanda again. He was filled with anxiety of what she would think.  
He lied to her about going camping, and never told her what was wrong with him, plus she's hormonal from being four months pregnant.  
"Steve please don't call her," he was trying to take the phone from him. "When I go home I'll tell her. Please Steve."  
"She need to know now, Bucky." he was holding the phone out so he couldn't grab it. It was two kids fighting over a toy. "And I know you aren't going to tell her," he isn't saying that he didn't trust Bucky, it was that he knows him. "Would you rather me take you home and tell her to her face?"  
He thought about that. Talking to her on the phone didn't seem bad after all. He stopped trying to get the phone. Steve let out a sigh. "You can tell me what to say if you want, you don't have to say anything to her."  
He shook his head and sat on the couch. He wanted to curl up into a ball. "Just tell her what you want. You're right, she needs to know," he mumbled then brought his knees up to his chest, arms wrapped around his legs as if he was going to cry.  
Steve smiled at him. He was glad that Bucky accepted him talking to Wanda about it, but then again Steve didn't really give him a choice.  
He walked into the kitchen as he dialed Wanda and leaned against the counter. It rung a few times before Wanda picked up the phone and answered with a hello.  
"Hey Wanda, its Steve. I need to talk to you about something."  
"Hey Steve," she found it odd that he was calling her, thinking they were out camping. "How's Bucky? Is everything alright?"  
"Its actually Bucky that I need to talk to you about," she started to get worried, her pulse raced thinking he was injured. "We didn't go camping. I just brought him to my house for the week because of what's wrong with him."  
"What are you talking about, Steve? What's wrong with him? Is he there?"  
"Physically he's fine, and yes he's here, but doesn't walk to talk to you, least not what he should talk to you about."  
"Steve, you're scaring me, what's going on," she didn't ask him, she was demanding him to tell her.  
"I think he said its been about two months, he's be having problems sleeping, have you noticed?"  
"Two or three times, he said it was just a bad dream, is it something else?"  
"He said that it happens close enough to every night. I'm sure that its PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, as well as depression," he let out a breath, at least he go that out.  
He opened his mouth to keep going, but since he paused Wanda started again. "PTSD? Depression? He . . . he never seemed depressed at home," she tried going though the past two months in her head to see if she just went over the signs.  
"He's pretty good at hiding it. It's okay if you didn't notice it. But its really bad," he wasn't sure how to tell her. Should he just blurt it out. "To the point where he's thought of suicide," he said it as if he was wincing, thinking that he'd get hit once he said it. The other end was silent. "Wanda, we both know Bucky is stubborn, and that he won't go to the therapy, so I brought him over for the week to help him a bit, a week isn't much, but I'm trying to get him to open up, without forcing it."  
"W-why-why isn't he the one telling me this? Why didn't he say anything to me? Did he just think he could solve this on his own?" she was panicking, possibly even crying.  
"Sh. Wanda, calm down. He's in my living room right now on the couch. I had a talk with him last night and this morning about it. He said he didn't want to tell you, because he thought that once you found out that you wouldn't want to be with him, that you'd think of him being unstable and walk out on him, and with how he's been feeling he just wanted to pull you closer, hoping you'd make it go away."  
Her end was silent again. "If you want me to bring him back over, or if you want to come over, I can-,"  
Wanda cut him off. "Could I come over please? Right now?" It sounded like she had the phone on mute she he couldn't hear her cry, but he could hear it in her voice as she spoke.  
"Yes you can. I don't have a problem with it," it was going to be chaos once she got here, he could feel it.  
She hung up after saying that she's be over soon, Steve set the phone down on the kitchen counter and walked out. Bucky was still on the couch, but once he entered the room he looked over out of his trance, putting his legs down. "Wanda's coming over. She said she'd be over in a few minutes," they lived roughly ten minutes away.  
He bit his lip. Steve's been yelling at him, not he's going to have Wanda yelling at him. "She's coming over?" he tried to hold back how he really felt about her coming over, he didn't want her to, honestly, he's rather have Steve trying to get him to talk than Wanda coming over right now. "What did you tell her?"  
"Everything that she needed to be told. The PTSD, the depression." he sighed and sat next to him. "Bucky. I don't know if I want to know the answer to this, but I want to know. Have you tried to kill yourself?"  
He paused. "Yes, but it was before I met Wanda," meaning it was over a year ago. "I don't want to get that low again. I remember it exactly, and I don't want to be like that again."  
It made Steve happy to know that he hasn't recently tired, but also made himself depressed thinking that Bucky could be dead because of that, and he wouldn't even know, since it was right after the HYDRA incident. He put an arm around him. "You're my best friend, Bucky."  
He leaned his against onto Steve's shoulder. "Til the end of the line pal."

Steve left the door open. He knew Wanda wouldn't even knock, she'd just come in, which he didn't have a problem with, when he knew she was coming over.  
Wanda did too. She just walked right in and right over to Bucky, hugging him as if she hasn't seen him in forever. She was on the verge of crying as well, Steve would tell. Bucky knew she should hug her back, though he didn't want to, so he just put one arm around her as a half hug, which sent her to the edge and she started crying.  
She with fine with him having PTSD, she could deal with him having that, even just depression, it was him having suicidal thoughts that bothered her. She somehow wanted to blame herself about him feeling like this.  
"Why didn't you tell me?" she cried out. "Why didn't you tell me, James? I-I-I-I want to help you," Bucky just held her tighter, hearing her cry hurt him. "I could have helped you," she clutched onto him, never wanting to let go, her face buried in his chest, shirt already wet from tears.  
Steve decided it would best to leave the two there to talk, interfering may not be the best things to do, least right now," she slowly got up trying to not disturb them and went to go to another room.  
Neither one from the couple looked up to see where Steve was going. Bucky was too occupied with Wanda's crying, trying to calm her down, stroking her hair seemed to work sometimes, though this time was different. Wanda's face was in his chest with her legs pulled up onto the couch. Right hand gripping onto his left metal shoulder.  
"Why did you tell me any of this, James?" she cried. He didn't answer mainly because he didn't have an answer. "Answer me!" she just made herself cry harder.  
He pulled her onto his lap. He wasn't even going to try to hold in his share of tears. "I . . . I thought you wouldn't want to be with me," he said softly, nearly inaudible.  
She looked up at him, trying to calm down to speak normally. "W-w-what? Not want to be with you?"  
"I thought that you'd think that I was unstable, and didn't want to be around me. I-I."  
Wanda stopped him from talking with a kiss to the lips, that always shut him up, it work with her too. Her right hand went to the side of his face and made him look at her. "I would never walk out on you, Bucky," she was looking for words to tell him how much she cared about him. "I'd never leave you, I love you, more than anything. I-I-I just don't understand why you didn't tell me."  
Deep inside he knew the truth, that she wouldn't leave him, but he just had the worst stuck in his mind. "I just thought that you wouldn't want to raise a kid around someone like me," he gently set his left hand on her stomach.  
"I would never be able to raise a kid without you, let alone these twins. You are perfectly fine to be a parent, Bucky. Now can you please tell me everything that's happened the past two months, please don't lie to me."  
He could tell how much she wanted to know, even though he didn't want her to be worried by the vivid details of all the flashbacks he decided that he'd tell her, if she didn't want to hear something, he knows she's tell him. He nodded his head and began to tell her everything that has happened, leading up to this week.

Steve had fallen asleep as he was reading back in his room. He woke up in a startle. He looked at the window and noticed that it was dark out, the only light coming in was from street lights. He remembered Wanda was over and was wondering if she was still here. He got up, placing his book on the nightstand next to his bed and walked out to the living room. Bucky and Wanda were cuddled up on the couch asleep together. He couldn't help but awe at the look.  
Bucky was leaning to the side and Wanda was leaning back on him with his hands around her. Steve turned the light off and then walked back into his room. He didn't want to wake either of them. He wasn't sure what to do now, he would have went to bed if it wasn't for his five hour nap.

Steve got back home once he was feeling tired again, great, he messed up his sleeping pattern. He closed the door a bit loudly, least he assumed so once he heard Wanda groaning, waking up. He looked over at the couch, feeling back if it was him that woke her up. She opened her eyes and yawned after seeing Steve. Bucky was still fast asleep. She thinks he woke up once, but she isn't sure. She stood up as Steve was apologizing for waking her up.  
"Its fine, Steve. I wanted to go before he woke up anyway."  
Steve was confused on why she'd want to leave before actually saying bye to him, and more importantly, why he just wasn't going to go home with her. He didn't have a problem with Bucky staying, he just sorta assumed that Bucky was going to go home with Wanda. "Mind me asking why?"  
"Steve," she sighed out and then proceeding to hug him. "Could you please keep Bucky here for a few more days, just until you think he's better, or when he thinks he can come back home? Yeah I want him home, but not at least I know what's wrong. He still had problems walking about somethings, normally he just wouldn't say anything, but thanks to you he actually opened up without much force, could you please keep working with him? Please?"  
Steve hugged her back. "Of course, you know I don't mind. Bucky is my best friend, and I'd do anything to help him, and you," he smiled at her.  
"I should go now. Thanks, Steve. You don't know how much this means to me."  
"I'm sure I can imagine," he smiled. "I'll keep you posted."  
She smiled back at him as she started to walk outside to her car.   
He looked over and down at Bucky, he felt bad for him. He'd do anything for him, but he wasn't sure what else to do, he kinda yelled at him a lot this week, more than ever before.  
He sat down at Bucky's feet for whenever he wakes up, which happened to be only a few minutes later.  
He opened his eyes, thinking Wanda was still there. "Wanda?" he said tiredly. He went to stretch out but his feet hit something, he looked down and saw Steve there, half asleep. "Steve?" he nudged him slightly waking him up.  
He lifted up his head. "Hm? Yeah?"  
"Where's Wanda at?"  
"She went home," he said has he cracked his back. "She said that until you think you're able to come home that she wanted you to stay here, because she thinks that I can help you, not because she doesn't want you," he made sure to make that clear, or else all his worried would come true.  
Bucky sat up and brushed his fingers though his hair. "H-how long do you think that'll take?"  
"It all depends on you and how stubborn you feel like being. She wants you to be able to talk to her, and not only when she asks you, when you actually have to talk about something that happened, so whenever you realize that you can't solve things by yourself."  
Bucky just looked down at his lap realizing that he's been like that without realizing it. "I'm just glad you aren't making me go to real therapy," he leaned to the side, resting his head on Steve's shoulder.  
"I may be trying to make you talk, but its your choice who you talk to," he put an arm around Bucky. "So, do you want anything to eat?"


End file.
